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Thursday, February 9, 2012

back to reality

Vegas and the entire road-trip was transcendental for me. It was everything I could have hoped it would be... it had me reevaluate my life, especially during the 10-20 hour drives. I love travelling and being on the road. Wonderful time to sleep and dream about what life could be... and how I want it to be. I had plenty of time inside of my head. I want to travel. I want to be surrounded by music. I want to see a new city everyday. I've wanted this since I was sixteen, and I still do. I also had a lot to think about my past relationship. We talked throughout the trip, but I'm still unsure of how things will be. I guess I should listen to The Beatles and just "let it be"... because there is really nothing I can do but wait and believe that it'll all work out. If it doesn't, then I know that it's not meant to work out and I'll have to just let it be. While on this trip, I fell in love with Santa Fe again. I would love to wake up to the mountainous skies of Santa Fe. The day there was relaxing, peaceful and the views were just gorgeous! I'm almost positive that I'll live there in the future. I went on this trip with my best friend Micah and my friend Karyn. I'm more of myself when I'm around Micah or Carolyn, so I felt more like myself than I have in a long time. I was actually happy also for once in a long time. I felt infinite and invincible, much like my "old" self again. I had such a great time in Vegas... it was definitely an experience! Just walking down the strip as a 21-year old adult made me remember how great life is... and how great mine is. I've had a ton of amazing experiences in addition to all the miserable ones. I had a little bit of a panic/anxiety attack while in Vegas on the last night... I just started thinking about coming back to Texas and broke down. I didn't feel like I had anything to come home to. I hate my apartment, I still don't have a job, I'm not comfortable with my living situation, I still don't have my license, I have no direction toward my career, my best friends are all hours away and the most important person in my life isn't too thrilled with me. I just felt the fear from everything hit me straight in the face. I didn't want to come "home" to the chaos that I can't even consider home anymore. I know that I'm my own problem, and that I'm own solution. I know that I'm the one that needs to fix the mess that I'm in, and I'm planning to do that. I know everything will be okay, and that it'll all work out. I need to start trimming the fat out of my life; literally and figuratively. If something isn't making me happy, then I'm not going to settle and ignore it... I'm finally going to do something about it. This is sort of a 'Revolution' of sorts. I know what I need to do, what I want to do and what is best for me. I have to find my happiness within myself, and somehow I feel closer to it!

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