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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

Today is supposed to be the most romantic day of the entire year... well, to those of us that are heartbroken or just simply alone, it's nothing more than salt on an open wound. I was looking forward to Valentine's Day at the beginning of the year. I was finally able to call someone my own and loved him with my whole heart. A little less than a month ago, I began to dread this day. I'm very much still in love with him, but I'm quite certain that I will not be seeing him or even TALK to him today, or on thursday... which would have been our three month anniversary. I wish everything could have been different. I wish that for ONCE I could finally have a valentine, but for some reason... love is never in my story. Perhaps I am incapable of love or completely unloveable, but whatever the reason... I am going to be alone this Valentine's just like every year before. I'll probably be very emotional all day. "Who said it's better to have felt and lost? I wish that I have never loved at all." It's much harder knowing those feelings of love and being aware of how it feels to be loved and knowing that you'll never get those feelings back. Not having felt them was so much easier, because you don't know what you've been missing out on. I wish I liked the taste of wine, because I'd get myself a big bottle and watch every sappy movie I own. I was looking forward to a cute Valentine's Day post... but much like every part of my life... nothing ever works out the way I hope it will. I should be used to this already, shouldn't I? I'll be having dinner with my father tonight. This will be the first Valentine's Day without my mother and coincidently their thirty year anniversary will be thursday as well. This isn't going to be a good week for my daddy, so I'm glad that I'll be staying in Sherman with him. We'll both be eating our feelings together...

Right now, I just feel like taking a dose of melatonin every three hours and just bypass the entire day sleeping.

"have you ever been in love? horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens up your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love" -neil gaiman

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