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Thursday, February 16, 2012

"I know I need a love like my mom and dad's"

Today would have been my parents' 30th anniversary.

I know my dad's taking it hard. I know how I'm feeling, and I can't even imagine how he's feeling right now. He's not happy without her, he doesn't feel like he has a purpose anymore. I'm worried about him, he knows that he has his family... but it's certainly not the same. He wants to quit his job, move and just get away. I don't blame him, if I was in the same situation... I would probably already be gone to somewhere away from this. My mom was everything to my family. She was the light and the excitement... but also the only person that could soothe all of us. She's exactly the person that I want to grow into. I want to be even half of the mother that she was. I know she wasn't perfect, she had many flaws, many flaws that she passed down to each of us. I'm me because of her, and I wouldn't want to be any other way. I've always said that I want a love like my mom and dad's and I still do. He stuck with her and fought through everything until the final day. I would be lucky to marry a man that compares to my dad. I frequently asked her how she knew that he'd be a good husband and good father. She told me that she didn't; she just loved him and felt something within him that complimented her. My mom was a pretty strong, self-sufficient, headstrong woman... you never wanted to be on her bad side because she could definitely be a bitch when she needed. Both of my sisters and myself have inherited that trait. They've been telling me for years that it takes a special and strong man to be able to put up with us. I, personally, wouldn't want to be any other way. I'm proud to be like my mom. I loved her more than anyone else in my family, perhaps I shouldn't say that... but it's the truth. We didn't always get along, but I know that she had an unconditional love for me. I miss her so much, it's so hard missing her when I know I'll never be able to see her again. I'll never be able to hug her again, she'll never be able to tell me that she loves me and that everything will be okay. I'm only 21, I still need her. She'll never see me grow up, she'll never meet my husband, she'll never see me get married, she'll never see me have children... she just won't be here for any of it. I can't be the same person that I used to be, no matter how much I try and want to be. I have the biggest piece of myself missing. She was everything to me, she knew me better than I knew myself and she always knew exactly what to say to make everything better.

I can't help but feel helpless without her guidance and advice, especially when I need her more than I ever have before. My mom's advice would be the ONLY advice that I'd even consider. I keep trying to imagine what she would say to me right now, since coincidentally it would have been my first three month anniversary. Probably much like everyone else; that he doesn't deserve me, that I'll find someone better and she would have made me completely cut him out of my life. My head knows these things, but I'm led strictly by my heart... I only choose to follow my heart. Which gets me into trouble most of the time..I need to start focusing completely on myself. I have all of my dreams in front of me, and it's about time that I start pursuing them... but I know what happens late at night when my mind goes back to him. I love him, I just want to be able to try again.. because I'll never do anything to risk our relationship ever again. This month has showed me exactly how much I appreciate him. Finding someone that understands you, believes in you and genuinely loves you isn't someone that you find easily. I think (and hope) that love can overcome anything.

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