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Monday, September 3, 2012

"you'd like to think that you were invincible"

... yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time.

I have this subconscious yearning within my soul... I keep finding myself running over images and feelings of wanting to be in love again. It's like my heart didn't quite pay attention over this whole year when losing those feelings broke me. I'm not really sure what I'm wanting right now... or even if I want anything at all. I don't want to fall in love again... but at the same time, I do. Love is horrible, perhaps maybe just falling out of love is what's miserable. Regardless, the whole act of love and relationships are messy. I'm not really looking forward to going through it again and if I'm being completely honest, I don't even have the mental or physical capacity to be in a relationship. This is my time to be selfish... this is my time to invent myself and focus on becoming everything that I want to be. I don't have time to worry about someone else's ego or heart. Every-time I convince myself of that; however, my mind slips to that irrational need for affection.

 I know how most guys are at my age (or even older), they don't want commitment or a real relationship. They are all looking for the next girl that'll spread their legs and for a second it'll let them forget about the loneliness that plagues their heart. They're trying to satisfy a mental and psychological need for love and affection with a physical action only. It's not enough to just have a physical connection without anything emotionally, intellectually or psychologically invested into another human being. I guess I've gotten more intense with what I want out of another person. I guess I've decided to be more selective about who I'll allow in my life. It's all or nothing... I don't want something without meaning or without feeling. They don't deserve to be able to explore one side of me without even grazing the other. I don't want sex, but then again, I don't want love. I guess I don't know what I want. I feel myself going back and forth with this subject almost daily. I know a lot of this back and forth subject comes from my fear of getting hurt again. I know that to be in love is allowing yourself to be vulnerable, but I'm so afraid of allowing the wrong person into the depths of myself again. I just simply want to have and find that transcendental and unconditional love that I believe is out there for me... but until then, how do I pacify those urges of needing to be wanted?

 And alternatively, I somehow feel as if my equal is coming right around the corner. I feel so close to having his presence in my life... if he's not already?

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