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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Let It Be

"blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly"

Change. The only real constant in life is change. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." I'm not the same person that I was three years ago, a year ago, six months ago or even two months ago. Of course, somethings will never change. I still want everything that I've always wanted out of life, I don't really think that will EVER change. I have a list of life goals that haven't really been touched in years. I'm a little bit of a wreck right now, I know I felt that I hit rock bottom almost eight months ago... but I now believe it was a month ago. I've learned and realized that I'm young. I'm only 21 and I've had a lot of experiences in my short life, but I also have a huge road ahead of me. I've been planning out my future to get me to where I want to be. I think I know the road, and I'll be walking it alone right now. That's more than fine with me. I don't know what's changed today, but I feel like I will be more than okay even if I don't have my ex-boyfriend or my mom as my encouragement. I don't need him or anyone else for me to know my worth. I am getting back to being completely comfortable with myself and looking forward to my future. I'll have my license by the end of this week, hopefully a job in Dallas by next week and will be taking everything else as each day comes. I don't think that I'll be looking for someone else for a while, if ever. I'm heartbroken and devastated... I'm not so sure that I'll ever be able to give myself to anyone fully again. He was the first person to know me, to understand me, to love me regardless of my flaws, insecurities and all of the ugly parts of me. I fell in love, that's not something that I say lightly or that just happens. I think the word "love" is thrown around so easily, that sometimes it loses all it's meaning. I've even thrown around the word myself, but when I said it to someone for the first time and meant it... it was the most vulnerable I've ever allowed myself to be with another person. I've always said this, but I believe it even more now. I will not waste my time on someone that I don't see as being in my future. As much as I try to live in the moment, I'm always future oriented. I'm scared now to be able to trust someone again with my life. It's been hard in the past for me to let anyone in, and now it's going to be so much more difficult. I feel myself now second guessing whether our love was ever real. I've always whole-heartedly believed that love can overcome any obstacle and if it's meant to be, then it will be. I never want to feel like this again, but I do know that what does not kill us will make us stronger. I'm currently planning my future for myself and myself alone. I will be supporting myself and seeing my dreams come true, thanks to me and me alone. I'm excited for my future again. I can feel it all becoming more tangible and more real.  I'm going to be going to school for something that I've wanted to do since I was about ten years old. I will also be pursuing my sixteen year old dreams simultaneously. I'm tired of being a bum and not doing anything with my life. I know that I needed this time to find myself again, and to recover from my mom's death. Nothing is the same, and it's not going to be, but it's life... and it goes on. I have to let it be.

This is just a peak into the inside of my mind... these are the most important of my domestic dreams that I have. I'll be working toward these specific goals and will be earning them myself. I'm excited, I've been wanting all of these things forever, and I will finally have them in the near-ish future! I'll also be making a few physical changes to myself as well. In addition to losing weight which has been my constant struggle and goal since I was eighteen. I will also be changing my hair color to a specific color that I've been wanting for years, but haven't really had the guts to go for. Right now, I'm just thinking "Why Not?" and that I should just go for it! It'll take a while for me to get there, and I will have to actually go to a professional to have it done well. I'm excited and I will also be retiring a piercing that I've had for almost two and a half years. I feel like it's about time for a change, and I will be replacing it for a different piercing that I've also been wanting to get for a while. I like my modifications in moderation and I didn't want too much metal in my face. I FINALLY be getting my favorite piercing pierced again after about a year and a half of not having it. AND of course I will be continuing with my collection of tattoos and the continuation of finishing my left sleeve. I have an idea for a tattoo that I shall be getting during South By Southwest given the circumstances of everything during the past year. The last and most important New Year's Resolution is to physically, intellectually and professionally be exactly the person I want to be. I will be focusing all of my energy on making sure that this resolution will be crossed off by the end of the year. I'm not going to say that this is a new beginning, I just feel like I have more clarity and see my future much more easily.

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