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Friday, May 18, 2012

"just find the horizon,
I promise you, it's not as far as you think"

In about two to three weeks, it will have been exactly three years since I graduated from High School. I've evolved into a completely different person, while still holding on to the foundation of who I am. I've gone through a lot of heartaches, letdowns, depressions, monumental changes with moments of ecstasy and nirvana. My life has certainly become a roller-coaster, especially the years that I've been in the "real world" and the last full year. I've grown up a lot, I really had no other choice. I see things a lot differently and I view my life a lot differently as well. I'm making a conscious effort to create the life that I want for myself, rather than just passively wait for it to arrive.

In the past, I've let it be known that I've had a problem with drinking. Not to such a serious extent, but it was definitely on the road to be. I used alcohol to escape from life and numb myself. I've been doing this for years, basically since I was around nineteen. I've had this "fuck it" attitude about life. I was content with my tiny salary, living at home, drinking until I couldn't feel and not being able to drive. I've always been passively ambitious, determined, passionate and constantly dreamed about the life that I wished to have... I was just never motivated enough to go out and achieve it. All of this changed when I lost the most important person in my life, the person that I thought would always be here for me. I got my first apartment (mainly just to escape memories of her) and my first car. I was excited to start my "new" life in Dallas, I was convinced that everything would start to go my way and I would start my real life. I then started morphing back into my old ways combined with a heavy depression. I just wanted the entire world to stop most of the time... I wasn't motivated to do anything. I didn't work, I didn't take care of myself, I didn't love myself, I just didn't care at all and I honestly didn't even want to live a life that my mom wouldn't be able to be a part of. Like I've said in numerous posts before, my first boyfriend was the only reason that I kept my head above water. I took out all of my frustrations, anxiety, depression and irritability on him. He loved the shell of myself that needed to hug a bottle to numb and forget her emotions. The months that we were together were the lowest that I've ever been; it was the weakest and most vulnerable that I've ever felt. When we fell apart, I did something that I should have done while I was trying to heal from losing my mom. I felt the pain instead of hiding from it. Coincidently, I also felt the pain that I had been escaping from concurrently. I went to her grave for the first time since she had been buried about a week after we broke up. I stayed mainly sober through the next months and began taking responsibility for my life. I got my license, began working again, lost all the weight that I had gained and dyed my hair... which made me feel more like myself. I found myself again; I found the sensible, confident, responsible, independent and insane person that I've been missing for months. I'm not whole yet, I still have my moments of vulnerability and anxiety... but for the most part, I am an improved version of my former self. I'm taking responsibility for every aspect in my life and I'm moving away from partying. I no longer need to a hug a bottle for reassurance and to numb myself. I'm happy again and I can truthfully say this for the first time in a little less than a year.

I'm fondly looking toward my future now. I begin my second and dream job in two days. I feel like I've beaten the system because I've found something that I love doing and will be happy doing for the rest of my life. I'm only going to be a receptionist in a salon, but it's a giant leap into the environment that I want to be apart of. Like I said in my last entry, I will be attending cosmetology school in September and I'm so excited for this industry to consume my life. I have my first professional job and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I love the company Toni & Guy and I can't wait to learn more about the profession that I'll be in soon. Alternatively, I haven't forgotten my dreams that are wrapped up within the music industry. I will also be actively looking for an internship with a music venue. I want to be able to flourish within both of these industries, seeing as how I'm passionate about both... and I don't think I would be truly content without either being in my life.

While I've been growing back into myself and working on my career.... I've ran into a little problem. I've been having restrictions on my independence and find myself having to rely on others. When I first got my first apartment, everyone told me that it was a terrible idea. Seeing as how expensive one bedroom apartments are and as naive that I am... I decided to disregard all advice given and got a two bedroom apartment with my best friend at the time. I quickly learned that shared living was not my cup of tea. I don't like having shared responsibilities with someone that doesn't have my sense of cleanliness or respect for my surroundings. Basically, I would rather just rely on myself than someone else. I've learned that lesson pretty hard, so like I've also said before, I will be moving into my own apartment in September. I'm going to be apartment hunting for a while until I find an affordable and aesthetically beautiful apartment. I've visited one so far and loved it! I've also been searching around and budgeting for new furniture. I can't wait to be able to redecorate my own adult apartment. I feel like my current apartment was necessary for teaching me to be responsible for my own home, but I'm ready to live alone. With my new job, one bedroom apartment, school and moving away from partying... I don't plan on having any parties at my new apartment. I want my new apartment to be my sanctuary, not where everyone comes to get belligerent. I have three months left of my current lease... and it couldn't come any sooner. I want to be on my own NOW.

The future is coming and I am more prepared and motivated than I have ever been before. I know what path I'm on and where I'm headed. I feel more relieved and satisfied with my life than I have been in months. I'm also on the very rewarding journey of loving and accepting myself again. I'm becoming the person that I've always envisioned... I can't wait to keep evolving into her... it's been a long time coming, but I'm finally the person that my eighteen year old self wanted me to be. I'll continue to make both of us proud... and my mom.

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