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Sunday, November 4, 2012

'cause it's you and me...

I'm deathly afraid of "growing up." I'm not afraid of my career, my projects, etc... I'm afraid of being a mother and a wife. I am extremely close to my family, whereas we talk daily and I see at least one member of my immediate family every week. If you know me at all, you know what a huge part of my life my niece Brittanie plays. She's everything to me... long story short; she taught me how to love. This little girl is my world and I want to make sure that I do everything right for her. (Now, let me not forget my little nephew Brayden, who I also love more than anyone else in the entire world. These two little kids are everything for me.) They are going to be here when I fall in love, when I get married, when I graduate from school, when I first have my career(s), when I move into my dream house, when I get pregnant, when I have a baby, etc. It's a lot to live up to and a lot of pressure. My two brother-in-laws have been in my life since I was in high school and in Brittanie/Brayden's lives since they were born. I will be bringing in a completely different person into our equation. I'm just afraid of who I'll be bringing into the family... I guess that's why I've been so, flaky, with guys recently. If I don't feel like they'd mix well into my family, then they won't be the right person for me. Finding the right person and the person that'll stick by your side for the rest of your life seems like the impossible mission to me. I want my equal. I want my compliment. I want my equal in every sense. I don't want to settle for someone that isn't him... even-though I already have and probably will more. I guess I feel like if he was here already, everything else would already be making sense. When I was younger, I thought by the age of 22, I would already have him in my life. I don't want a boyfriend, I'm not lonely, I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty, I don't need someone to complete me... I want the person that I'm going to share my life with. I want the man that I'm going to marry. I want the man that I'm going to have children with. I want the man that'll love me even after he knows how insane I am. I want the man who wont walk away. I want the man that will want me in his life forever.

I don't know why I've been so focused on this lately... I guess pinterest has a hand in it and I guess since everyone else seems paired up and my sister's pregnant... and maybe because for once, everything in my life is finally at a place where I feel stable. .. or maybe I feel like it's not going to be that long until  he's in my life?

And let's not even get me started on raising children. It's inevitable that something is going to go wrong in their childhood and it'll shape who they are. I'm TERRIFIED of having my own children.

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