"if you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't"

For the life of me, I do not understand why I've been thinking (or even quite honestly... obsessing) over the opposite sex. It might have been the blood flowing out of my uterus, but I definitely have been focused on men. I guess just kind of going over exactly what I want in a potential mate. So, since all of this has been floating around in my head for a while... I'm just going to unload all of it on you.. my blog readers, if there's anyone out there that actually cares, which I'm assuming that no one but me does. BUT REGARDLESS, I'm going to start off by naming my top five... "most attractive men" so that you can kind of get a visual of my "type." So, I suppose I'll name them in order of attractiveness... Dirk Mai, Robert Pattinson, James Magnussen, Cory La Quay and Bradley Cooper. I feel like they all kind of have the "essence" of the type of the guys that I'm attracted to. I've actually had most of this written down before I even had my first boyfriend, and it's definitely been added to since. I think it's important for me to know what I want... much like the title says.

physical
beautiful smile.
long, crooked and big nose.
shaggy brunette.
facial hair/scruff.
pretty eyes... typically not brown.
taller than me.
strong enough to be able to pick me up.
tattoos.

personality

knows exactly who he is and what he wants out of life

has confidence in himself

listens to his heart

driven, passionate and determined

thinks outside of the typical society mindset

loves his job/future job

liberal and not apart of any organized religion 

opinionated

in love with music

believes in love

creative

open-minded and accepting 

has goals and dreams

loves, respects and gets along with his mother (and so do I)

good listener

into modifications/tattoos

will get tattoos with me

handyman; not too lazy

dominate personality

funny sarcastic asshole humor

loves watching movies

loves cuddling/holding hands

likes to read; intellectual

loves camping and traveling

loves children; wants children

dog-person; wants dogs

lives for himself and thinks for himself

believes in me, inspires me and supports me

isn't afraid to call me on my shit; not afraid to hurt my feelings

will talk to me about everything

will allow me to pour my heart into his

will love me unconditionally

gets along with my family; compliments my family

I get along with his family

will ask my father for my hand in marriage

is good with brittanie; gets along with brittanie

a powerful physical connection

knows how to fuck me nicely

expresses love toward me/affectionate

compliments me… 

I'm looking for someone to grow with. 

I looking for someone that won't take us too seriously. 

I need to be with someone that knows who they are, who has opinions, has favorites, has goals and is driven. 

I don't think I could ever date someone that doesn't know what road they on; let alone who they are. 

I want someone that's similar to me, but also different than me. I don't want to date myself, but I want someone that will compliment me. 

I'm looking for the guy that I fall asleep next to and wake up next to.

I'm looking for the guy that's the funniest person I know.

I'm looking for the guy that's the best sex of my life. 

I'm looking for the guy that'll go out and get tattoos with me. 

I'm looking for the guy that'll take lame photo-booth pictures with me. 

I'm looking for the guy that gets me. 

I'm looking for the guy that understands me. (even as difficult as it is)

I'm looking for the guy that'll accept me for exactly who I am.

I'm looking for the guy that's my best friend.

I'm looking for the guy that I can share myself and my life with.

I'm looking for my equal….

'cause it's you and me...

I'm deathly afraid of "growing up." I'm not afraid of my career, my projects, etc... I'm afraid of being a mother and a wife. I am extremely close to my family, whereas we talk daily and I see at least one member of my immediate family every week. If you know me at all, you know what a huge part of my life my niece Brittanie plays. She's everything to me... long story short; she taught me how to love. This little girl is my world and I want to make sure that I do everything right for her. (Now, let me not forget my little nephew Brayden, who I also love more than anyone else in the entire world. These two little kids are everything for me.) They are going to be here when I fall in love, when I get married, when I graduate from school, when I first have my career(s), when I move into my dream house, when I get pregnant, when I have a baby, etc. It's a lot to live up to and a lot of pressure. My two brother-in-laws have been in my life since I was in high school and in Brittanie/Brayden's lives since they were born. I will be bringing in a completely different person into our equation. I'm just afraid of who I'll be bringing into the family... I guess that's why I've been so, flaky, with guys recently. If I don't feel like they'd mix well into my family, then they won't be the right person for me. Finding the right person and the person that'll stick by your side for the rest of your life seems like the impossible mission to me. I want my equal. I want my compliment. I want my equal in every sense. I don't want to settle for someone that isn't him... even-though I already have and probably will more. I guess I feel like if he was here already, everything else would already be making sense. When I was younger, I thought by the age of 22, I would already have him in my life. I don't want a boyfriend, I'm not lonely, I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty, I don't need someone to complete me... I want the person that I'm going to share my life with. I want the man that I'm going to marry. I want the man that I'm going to have children with. I want the man that'll love me even after he knows how insane I am. I want the man who wont walk away. I want the man that will want me in his life forever.

I don't know why I've been so focused on this lately... I guess pinterest has a hand in it and I guess since everyone else seems paired up and my sister's pregnant... and maybe because for once, everything in my life is finally at a place where I feel stable. .. or maybe I feel like it's not going to be that long until  he's in my life?

And let's not even get me started on raising children. It's inevitable that something is going to go wrong in their childhood and it'll shape who they are. I'm TERRIFIED of having my own children.

on the upsides

I don't really change... although I do evolve. I am still the same person that I've been since I was thirteen. My favorites, wants, needs, ideas, dreams, friends, etc... haven't really monumentally changed since I was about eighteen, which was four years ago. I'm a loyal person and I'm intuitive in the way that I always know what I want or who I want in my life.

Four of my favorite bands have been my favorite since I was under fifteen and have seen two this week. My best friends and I have been together for either ten/eleven years or about five years. I worked at my first job for 3-1/2 years and I've been at my second and third for six months already. I've wanted to study psychology and be a hair dresser since I was in elementary school... and then wanted to work in the music industry and film since high school. I don't majorly change, I stay the same. I know exactly who I am, what I want and what I'm going to be doing... I just feel like I know what's going to happen in my life. It all makes sense and it's all me.

now, with all of that rambling being said... I want to talk about the past couple of days: (because a LOT has gone on)

Last Saturday night, I went on a journey to Calera, Oklahoma to see my friends' bands Aerolyn and Even Cameras Lie. I made a little pit stop in Sherman, where I grew up, and visited my old job. One of my old bosses and I (and Jacob) talked and caught up for a while. I got to learn of all the drama in Sherman and how everyone was doing. We then grabbed food at La Mesa, the best restaurant in Sherman, and then headed to Oklahoma. It was at a venue similar to Sherman VFW shows. It was confronting running into the guys right when we got there. I also saw my ex-roommate, who I also kicked out... it was awkward at first, but we called a truce and now we're cool and back to normal. I'll be lying if I said that I didn't miss him sometimes! We all then went out to a sketchy waffle place and then headed back to plano to continue our "partying" which consisted of drinking 3.2 beer.... no bueno. I don't really like Oklahoma... haha. Regardless, I did end only sleeping 2 hours that night and working about eight hours the next day.

On Tuesday, I was able to get off early and see one of my fourth favorite band of all time. AND YES, I do have the top five numbered... haha. I've been in love with this band, Motion City Soundtrack, since 2006 when I was fifteen. I believe I saw them for the first time in 2007... they are always one of my favorite live bands, so it was such a great show. I had just seen them at south by southwest in March earlier this year, but I love them every single time. Also, on Monday, I had gone to a local petstore after work and fell in love with a little French Bulldog. I've had my heart set on an english bulldog, even after I had one last year for a brief time, but I've decided that when I'm able to... I'll be adopting a little French Bulldog since they don't get to be as big as an English... and they look like little chubby adorable pigs :)

And today, I saw my third favorite band of all time... and the first "punk" band that I've ever truly fell in love with. I was thirteen and everything began with this band. They are the sole reason that I'm in love with music today... and after seeing them tonight, I remember exactly why. I haven't felt this way after a show since I was in high school. I needed this. Live shows are what kept me sane in high school... and I had no doubt in my mind that it was the industry that I was going to be working in. Since I've gotten older, my wants and priorities have definitely changed... but, after tonight... I feel like I might be making a few adjustments. I was so inspired simply by one of my favorite bands. They played their first full length album in it's entirety... it was the first time that I heard most of those songs performed even since I've been seeing them since 2007 as well. Tonight was perfect and reminded me of who I am, who I want to be... and who I will make sure that I am. I will just say that I do miss when my life revolved around music.

and also since today is the day after Halloween... which I worked 14 hours.. I bought a shit ton of candy! So, this has been my life lately, I don't know where I'm headed, but I'm happy to be on this roller-coaster and to be me.

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not.

My mind is constantly running about a million miles per hour. It's mainly set onto the future and making sure that the present me is looking out for my future. After a much needed off day, I think I've finally figured out what will make me happy in the future. Not that it's a simple one thing... but it's for me to be able to do EVERYTHING that I've ever dreamed about. I've decided to not only go to school for cosmetology, but eventually also go to school for both psychology and film as well... and on top of that, my sixteen year old dreams of owning my own venue are alive as well. I also want to be able to own and renovate my own house one day! I'm going to be working really hard in the next few years to make sure that everything that I've been dreaming about will be my reality. I've also been slacking lately on losing weight and getting more healthy, but that's all about to change! I need to do all of this for my sanity, and I'm so excited for the upcoming shows... I can't believe that I've allowed the most important thing in my life easily slip out of my hands. I can't wait for everything... and I also did a little shopping for my apartment today... I love ikea a little too much. I can't help it, but I just get inspired by everything I see!

Like I posted on twitter, when I was younger... at the age of 22, I figured that I would have already met the man what was to be my husband already. I really don't know if he's already in my life or not... but I can't help but wish he was here. It would be a lot easier having my best friend, equal and partner in crime with me at all times. I guess it's just not meant to be yet. After seeing and talking to Cara about the rest of my sleeve and the addition of my knuckles... I've been thinking a lot about the words that'll be forever displayed on my hands and I think I have the perfect ones! This whole next year shall be pretty interesting... I've also have been wanting a little furry four legged friend! I guess we'll see what happens... because I'm not so sure where the roller-coaster that is my life is headed next.

I'm in likes with someone :)

and with someone other than myself..... haha. I guess we'll see what happens :) I've been very busy recently and also pretty stressed out. I work non-stop which is pretty tiring, but also rewarding come payday! I'm learning how to be happy with myself and my life at the same time. I keep eating... I'm just overworked and stressed. I'm also looking for something new and pretty important... so, hopefully I'll have another big piece of news! 

My birthday party was fun... it started off to be pretty slow and seeing how none of my good friends came, besides my best friend of eleven years. It was still a really good time. It's funny to see how much has changed in a year... and of course how nothing ever really changes. I can't wait to see where this 22nd year of my life is taking me... I can feel that it's going to be a lot of monumental changes.

my 22nd birthday

Last year, my birthday was eventful... I was able to legally drink, got wasted at a show and during the days following... I had a nice dinner with my family, a party at my apartment, went to Austin, got wasted on 6th street and then began my sleeve. This year, I opted to have a less exciting birthday. I woke up early, since I'm usually up early on wednesdays, I got donuts and cooked breakfast... complete with chocolate milk, maple bacon and biscuits! I then watched a little bit of scrubs, but then went back to sleep. After my glorious nap, I took a little time to clean up my apartment a little. I had dinner at my favorite restaurant with my family and finally made a real wish when I blew out my candles. I then decided to see one of my favorite books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, translated into film by myself. It was absolutely perfect and I'm glad that I went alone because I cried throughout the entire movie. I'm happy about myself and my life... it's so weird to see how differently my life is now as apposed to last year. I was such a completely different person back then, I didn't even know who I was.  I made a list of 21 things I wanted to do before I was 22 years old... I completed 9 of the goals I made. I have a really good feeling about this year! So, here's my new list...

22 before... 23

1. begin at (or hopefully graduate from) the Toni&Guy Academy
2. drive a new, more trustworthy, car.
3. reach ultimate goal weight of 125 pounds
4. rebuild (or build) my credit
5. perfectly decorate/furnish my current apartment
6. have at least half of my savings payed back
7. completely finish my left sleeve
8. become a make-up technician at Toni&Guy
9. get involved in the music scene again.
10. fall in love again
11. volunteer at south by southwest
12. dedicate more time and effort into my blog
13. ride on an airplane for the first time
14. adventure to Las Vegas again
15. move into a split level apartment in Dallas
16. adopt an English or French Bulldog (named Bentley or Sadie)
17. upgrade to a 27" iMac
18. upgrade to an iPhone 5 (AND DON'T CRACK THE SCREEN!)
19. obtain a credit card
20. have platinum white blonde hair
21. get knuckles tattooed
22. get "let it be" tattoo in all color on foot

September recap

I've decided to start a new monthly post to summarize what happened during the months at this new apartment. Last year, my entire world was completely changed in those short 12 months... I'm intrigued to see where this new year will take me. I've only been in this new place a month, but it already feels like home. There's already been a lot going on...

• the house warming party was on the 8th
• got closer to Urban employees
• Caroline and I fell in love :P
• went blonder and got straight across bangs
• started talking to someone new
• got a small raise from Toni&Guy
• got a new tattoo by the talented Cara Hansen
• also got my first tattoo reworked by the amazing Mrs. Cara Hansen
• (crossed out a new year's resolution from 2009!)
• went to Austin with Jessica
• technically held down three jobs
• tried new things!
• have my first apartment with cable
• have my first one bedroom apartment all to myself

I have an idea of what I would like to come within these next eleven months... but as they say, "always account for variable change"... so I can't wait to see the next chapter in my story!